X-COM THINK TANK (Out of Character Discussion about X-COM and the Series)

[Suryce]

A round of the applications of which authors asked for criticism. I should warn, I 'm a bit more severe than most people have been. I will also not repeat a criticism that has already been made if I agree with it (comments on spelling for example).

Brian / Alex Reese
- The character seems way too young for certain events (even if if he is a psychopath as the bio implies). It's hard to believe in a kid doing drugs at 6 (and where did he find the money?), and committing a murder at 8. The father abandoning him seems kind of absurd too. The way the bio is written implies he has lived by himself since he was 8, which is perfectly impossible. Even if we accepted the idea that he can hide his parents absence, he would need money and many legal things only a guardian can provide for him (example: what do you think is the first thing his school or the police will do after he has beaten up several of his comrades?). In conclusion, too many elements are unrealistic and make it difficult to believe in the story.
- The military battle also feels unrealistic and is simply too detailed when it's not necessary in order to tell the character's story. The important thing is that many of his friends died that day, how they did is not.
- Stating the character's age over and over before explaining what changed at that point is redundant. Find other markers, or be more vague, or diversify your sentences structure.
- How and why was the character accused of a murder he did not commit (and why torture him in his cell after he has been convicted)? This need an explanation.
- Writing the dialogue in direct speech seems unnecessary. Knowing the exact words doesn't seem to add anything to the character or his story (Quazer Flame's Michael Angel application is a good example of useful direct speech dialogue. He use it to show the concept of his character in practice and it makes the reader empathizes with him.)

MrPegasus / Maximum Ryder
- The character is said to be a silent kid, but then he suddenly has a childhood friend when he is an adult. Not exactly a problem, but it would make more sense to mention that friend sooner.
- The character's description is kind of contradictory. Dude has a pent-up rage that made him kill tons of gang members for revenge, and XCOM doesn't want of a psychopath on the front lines, but they still recruit him?

Summerjuliet / Mathilda Becker
- The character is likable. How she deals with racism is interesting and her personality and body language seem amusing.

Dragonivon / Shaojie Zhang
- A very well written scene, which doesn't go for too long and explain Zhang motivations (and make him look like a badass) in a effective and interesting manner.

Riqe / Richard Morgan
- There is a lot about the military career of the character, but not much about who he is exactly (personality, origins, etc...). I think it would need a better balance between the two, because military stuff alone gets boring quite fast.

Vlakvark / Koenraad Vermaak
- If everything is in bold, then nothing is.
- Same criticism than for Riqe's character, just above (the character's origins are fairly original though).

JuliaMaluca / Abigail Black
- To have the character be found by XCOM operatives while she is killing aliens is kind of a cliché among applications (revenge desire against aliens is also one), and it probably violates the "no alien" rule.

Whiplash779 / Micheal Eaton
- Does no social service exist in the US or what? More seriously, the parts about the character having no identity seem a bit exaggerated to me. How can the military sees that the character is skilled when he can't sign up to begin with? Is the death of his adoptive family really necessary (it's a bit cliché)?
- Personally, I like the style you used for the presentation.

UnevenRanger / Jayson Davis
- A simple but effective character I guess.

Grelite / Tarrmis Gorefest
- I wonder if writing a scene instead of a summary was the best choice since we don't learn a lot from it, and there is not many hint given either. In some ways, it's more of a memory log than a character presentation.
- On the subject of improvising a character, there is not much I can say, my style is the exact opposite. I have a Word document with a list of ideas on how my character acts and why, and on how I intend to make her entertaining or interesting (some ideas are not definitive, the point is for my character to never become flat because I'm starting to lack ideas). There is already a lot of things that will have to be improvised to correspond with the flow of the game, so I don't want to leave too much to chance.

Now, if someone want to return the favour, or is simply interested, my own application is open to comments and criticism \o/

 

[Renault]

Since people seem to be critiquing apps. Could anyone read mine and see what they think. (It's on page five) I think it needed more details, but is a story that doesn't seem to far fetched.

 

[Dragonivon]

Now, if someone want to return the favour, or is simply interested, my own application is open to comments and criticism \o/

An interesting summary of a background with some aspects of personality shown but I think it falls under the heading of 'we will see when we see'. The child-soldier angle is interesting, even though it reminds me mostly of endless numbers of anime plotlines (Gunslinger Girl leaping immediately to mind), though intentionally leaving out WHAT country she was in during said major conflict that would have children soldiers at all seems a bit strange. All in all I do think it's a good application though as with almost anyone else gearing up for season 4, I don't think any of us will really know how good/bad a character will be until we actually get underway.

(PS: Thanks for the kind words in regards to my own application, that was pretty much what I was hoping for in the first place. Though admittedly with Zhang, most of his story is already written. Finding the ways to tweak it to make it uniquely your own is the trick.)

 

[Dragonivon]

Since people seem to be critiquing apps. Could anyone read mine and see what they think. (It's on page five) I think it needed more details, but is a story that doesn't seem to far fetched.

In a word, your application is dry. It's short at one paragraph, though thankfully not a wall-of-text paragraph, and it gives a pretty barebones outline of qualifications and motivations. While his moment of heroism is helpful, it's hard to say why he would have gotten the attention of the XCOM project in particular. I don't think it's a particularly bad application, I just am left wishing there was more of it in regards to motivations, personality, and substance.

 

[Suryce]

An interesting summary of a background with some aspects of personality shown but I think it falls under the heading of 'we will see when we see'. The child-soldier angle is interesting, even though it reminds me mostly of endless numbers of anime plotlines (Gunslinger Girl leaping immediately to mind), though intentionally leaving out WHAT country she was in during said major conflict that would have children soldiers at all seems a bit strange. All in all I do think it's a good application though as with almost anyone else gearing up for season 4, I don't think any of us will really know how good/bad a character will be until we actually get underway.

I have to admit, Rebecca is mostly inspired by anime characters, though not by Gunslinger Girls at all. The actual list is long and includes different medias, but the main inspirations are characters from the manga/anime Jormungand and Attack on Titan.

I left out the nationality of the character for an unnamed imaginary country for a number of reasons. Mainly, it leaves me a lot of freedom, it's a way to avoid making the character more offensive than she may already be, and it will allow me to adapt her to the race she is assigned in the game (this is why race is also absent of the description, as is her birth name, replaced by an English fake one). I had consider linking her to an existing case of past conflict with child soldiers, but inventing my own was just much more practical.

I realize now more than ever how much the original concept behind Rebecca is barely apparent in her bio. You are right when you say "we'll see" but maybe not just the way you are thinking. Her dark background story is only one of the two sides of the character, and alone it's not representative of what I actually plan to do with her. Maybe I should have made the other side more obvious, but now I don't want to spoil it. I just hope I will have the chance to fully display what's her deal is.

 

[Adrammalech]

Wow, a lot of people posted since I did my little evaluations, lol. I'll try to look at some of these later if I get a chance before the applications video goes up.

If someone wants to look at mine, it's in my signature.

 

[Dragonivon]

Wow, a lot of people posted since I did my little evaluations, lol. I'll try to look at some of these later if I get a chance before the applications video goes up.

If someone wants to look at mine, it's in my signature.

I looked and I can't find a thing to really criticize. I tend to prefer a narrative/literary style on the whole but your application is probably the best of the 'military file profiles' I've seen. I look forward to seeing what you create in Season 4 when you are chosen to participate. I probably should say 'if' but currently I wouldn't bet a dime against it.

 

[Brian]

A round of the applications of which authors asked for criticism. I should warn, I 'm a bit more severe than most people have been. I will also not repeat a criticism that has already been made if I agree with it (comments on spelling for example).

Brian / Alex Reese
- The character seems way too young for certain events (even if if he is a psychopath as the bio implies). It's hard to believe in a kid doing drugs at 6 (and where did he find the money?), and committing a murder at 8. The father abandoning him seems kind of absurd too. The way the bio is written implies he has lived by himself since he was 8, which is perfectly impossible. Even if we accepted the idea that he can hide his parents absence, he would need money and many legal things only a guardian can provide for him (example: what do you think is the first thing his school or the police will do after he has beaten up several of his comrades?). In conclusion, too many elements are unrealistic and make it difficult to believe in the story.
- The military battle also feels unrealistic and is simply too detailed when it's not necessary in order to tell the character's story. The important thing is that many of his friends died that day, how they did is not.
- Stating the character's age over and over before explaining what changed at that point is redundant. Find other markers, or be more vague, or diversify your sentences structure.
- How and why was the character accused of a murder he did not commit (and why torture him in his cell after he has been convicted)? This need an explanation.
- Writing the dialogue in direct speech seems unnecessary. Knowing the exact words doesn't seem to add anything to the character or his story (Quazer Flame's Michael Angel application is a good example of useful direct speech dialogue. He use it to show the concept of his character in practice and it makes the reader empathizes with him.)

MrPegasus / Maximum Ryder
- The character is said to be a silent kid, but then he suddenly has a childhood friend when he is an adult. Not exactly a problem, but it would make more sense to mention that friend sooner.
- The character's description is kind of contradictory. Dude has a pent-up rage that made him kill tons of gang members for revenge, and XCOM doesn't want of a psychopath on the front lines, but they still recruit him?

Summerjuliet / Mathilda Becker
- The character is likable. How she deals with racism is interesting and her personality and body language seem amusing.

Dragonivon / Shaojie Zhang
- A very well written scene, which doesn't go for too long and explain Zhang motivations (and make him look like a badass) in a effective and interesting manner.

Riqe / Richard Morgan
- There is a lot about the military career of the character, but not much about who he is exactly (personality, origins, etc...). I think it would need a better balance between the two, because military stuff alone gets boring quite fast.

Vlakvark / Koenraad Vermaak
- If everything is in bold, then nothing is.
- Same criticism than for Riqe's character, just above (the character's origins are fairly original though).

JuliaMaluca / Abigail Black
- To have the character be found by XCOM operatives while she is killing aliens is kind of a cliché among applications (revenge desire against aliens is also one), and it probably violates the "no alien" rule.

Whiplash779 / Micheal Eaton
- Does no social service exist in the US or what? More seriously, the parts about the character having no identity seem a bit exaggerated to me. How can the military sees that the character is skilled when he can't sign up to begin with? Is the death of his adoptive family really necessary (it's a bit cliché)?
- Personally, I like the style you used for the presentation.

UnevenRanger / Jayson Davis
- A simple but effective character I guess.

Grelite / Tarrmis Gorefest
- I wonder if writing a scene instead of a summary was the best choice since we don't learn a lot from it, and there is not many hint given either. In some ways, it's more of a memory log than a character presentation.
- On the subject of improvising a character, there is not much I can say, my style is the exact opposite. I have a Word document with a list of ideas on how my character acts and why, and on how I intend to make her entertaining or interesting (some ideas are not definitive, the point is for my character to never become flat because I'm starting to lack ideas). There is already a lot of things that will have to be improvised to correspond with the flow of the game, so I don't want to leave too much to chance.

Now, if someone want to return the favour, or is simply interested, my own application is open to comments and criticism \o/

You must not of read the entire beginning because I stated he met a drug dealer but didn't realize it.And I guess I could've mentioned taking money from his parents or something.

 

[UnevenRanger]

Thank you to the three that criticized my application;

Brian,
Glad you liked it, I noticed that there wasn't a large number of events happening as well, something I would have liked to expand on but thanks to real life (Personal Statements for Uni are a pain in the ass to write, hopefully 8th draft is the charm haha) I didn't get the chance. Hopefully something I get a chance to expand on later.

Dragonivon,
If you don't mind me asking, which details would you have been interested in hearing more about? When writing it I was a bit concerned about filling it with too much padding, as I have a tendency to not stop writing when I start haha. Personally I'm hoping to go into more detail about his time in training (did he let the success go to his head ect) but then again I've got most of his character planned out in my head so what I find interesting is going to be different to what other people will... if that makes any sense.

Suryce,
Short but effective response I guess haha, I appreciate the application was short as previously mentioned. Reviewing yours as requested, I liked what I heard, for some reason I got the idea that in the roleplay, if my character was doing some crazy stunt in the skyranger to get the squad to the battlefield, Rebecca would be the only one yelling with glee not fear haha. Writing wise it was written well, read fluently and I enjoyed it. Only thing I can think of at the moment is that her change of heart (selling out her superiors, trying to get the weapons out of the country) felt a little fast. Not unbelievable, but definitely a 180" turn for the child that lived for the pleasure of the kill.

Thanks again

 

[Quazer Flame]

My character is on page six. I actually asked for a critique a few pages ago, but looks like it got lost in the posts, heh.

 

[Dragonivon]

Dragonivon,
If you don't mind me asking, which details would you have been interested in hearing more about? When writing it I was a bit concerned about filling it with too much padding, as I have a tendency to not stop writing when I start haha. Personally I'm hoping to go into more detail about his time in training (did he let the success go to his head ect) but then again I've got most of his character planned out in my head so what I find interesting is going to be different to what other people will... if that makes any sense.

The main thing that I would have wanted to hear about was why Davis wanted to be a pilot at all. As it was your summation started with him fully formed just out of cadet training and heading into the R.A.F. with a singleminded determination to become a pilot. But not one mention of why he had that determination to log in so many extra hours. Was the only game he ever owned in his life 'Flight Simulator' and he knew it was his calling from near-birth? Was his father a pilot who taught him about altimeters at the same time he read Dr. Seuss? That might be good to know.

To me one of the most important things to define isn't so much qualification but motivation, it's the impetus behind the stories that will follow. If I wanted to make a story about something with great qualifications but totally devoid of motivations I'd write about a SHIV unit. Though to be honest, now that I think about it, I may really want to write about a SHIV unit with an alien-influenced AI. "SHIV-Five is alive! And armed with a plasma cannon, meatbags!' Granted, a sentient SHIV might gain some very distinct and possibly disturbing motivations in the process.

Er... no one steal that idea.

 

[Dragonivon]

My character is on page six. I actually asked for a critique a few pages ago, but looks like it got lost in the posts, heh.

I referenced your application when talking about Grelite's character, Gorfest. Noting the similar perceived point of conflict over their name though it seems to me a rather unlikely point of friction or ostracism unless your last name was actually Hitler or something. I don't think your character application is bad per se, it's just feels very shallow. I can get that he has a feeling of persecution over seemingly very little things, perhaps he's just oversensitive and projects ostracism where there is actually none, but I don't get a real feeling for his motivations. Why he does what he does. Perhaps it's something you plan to explore as the season progresses but I just don't get it off your initial post.

 

[Quazer Flame]

...perhaps he's just oversensitive and projects ostracism where there is actually none...

That was actually what I was aiming for. He encounters a FEW people who think poorly of his name, so he kind of expects EVERYONE to react that way to his name. I just didn't know how to express that without dropping completely out of character.

 

[JohnnyKnight]

Hey guys, I wanted to get y'alls opinion on my application. This was actually my first attempt at doing any kind of writing like this, so I wanted to know what areas I could improve on in the future. It's at the bottom of the first page.

 

[UnevenRanger]

The main thing that I would have wanted to hear about was why Davis wanted to be a pilot at all. As it was your summation started with him fully formed just out of cadet training and heading into the R.A.F. with a singleminded determination to become a pilot. But not one mention of why he had that determination to log in so many extra hours. Was the only game he ever owned in his life 'Flight Simulator' and he knew it was his calling from near-birth? Was his father a pilot who taught him about altimeters at the same time he read Dr. Seuss? That might be good to know.

To me one of the most important things to define isn't so much qualification but motivation, it's the impetus behind the stories that will follow. If I wanted to make a story about something with great qualifications but totally devoid of motivations I'd write about a SHIV unit. Though to be honest, now that I think about it, I may really want to write about a SHIV unit with an alien-influenced AI. "SHIV-Five is alive! And armed with a plasma cannon, meatbags!' Granted, a sentient SHIV might gain some very distinct and possibly disturbing motivations in the process.

Er... no one steal that idea.

I get the feeling SHIV-Five and HK-47 would become good friends haha, come to think of it with Enemy Within, I could get behind the idea of the Mech 'bodies' having a cowardly AI, talking to the person wearing the suit... "You want me to go WHERE? oh hell no, they're shooting at us!"

Yeah, like I said I have his motivations planned out, just never got a chance to put them in. The idea is that I wanted someone who was a balancing act for the other team members. In my mind you have generally two types of soldiers, the ones that are aggressive and use the military as simply direction to focus their aggression at someone (e.g. stereotypical tough guy); and the ones that accept it as a means to better the world, that do the job not because they want to kill people, but because what they do makes the world a better place (e.g. stereotypical movie hero). Whereas Davis is someone who simply discovered he had a talent for something, admittedly something that he enjoys (do not get me wrong, flying is every childs dream and he was no exception), and dedicated his life to that talent. He doesn't always fit in well with military life, not being afraid to be honest to his superiors for example.

Part of the "Storyline" I have roughly sketched out for him, one of the things that I am interested in showing is what I like to call the 'Mordin Complex' in that, there are going to be times where he wants to just throw up his arms and say "I quit" because he DOESN'T have the other two stereotypical military attitudes so he can't really deal with things as well as other characters would. But the thing keeping him from doing that would be that he knows he is a damn good pilot, if not one of the best pilots and someone else might get it wrong. He's not some movie hero who makes it their responsibility to save every person they meet, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if him not doing something put peoples lives in danger, especially once he gets on friendly terms with said people.

If you understood that garbled mess of my thoughts, then you have my respect and pity haha, but yeah I would like to go into more detail about his motivations if I do get selected. Thanks

 

[Suryce]

Suryce,
Short but effective response I guess haha, I appreciate the application was short as previously mentioned. Reviewing yours as requested, I liked what I heard, for some reason I got the idea that in the roleplay, if my character was doing some crazy stunt in the skyranger to get the squad to the battlefield, Rebecca would be the only one yelling with glee not fear haha. Writing wise it was written well, read fluently and I enjoyed it. Only thing I can think of at the moment is that her change of heart (selling out her superiors, trying to get the weapons out of the country) felt a little fast. Not unbelievable, but definitely a 180" turn for the child that lived for the pleasure of the kill.

Ah, indeed, I should have explain Rebecca mindset when she betrays her superiors. There are several years of her life that are left out between the moment she starts bonding with her comrades and the moment she commit her betrayal, so I understand if the change seems sudden.

Basically, if Rebecca listened to her superiors, it's because she needed them and also because she had been brainwashed as a patriotic sociopath. But by developing relationships with her comrades, especially fellow children, her views have evolved. When the betrayal happens, she is also an adult (and she has been educated to serve more subtle purpose than shooting people), so she not as dependent as she was before. After the war, she and her comrades want to put the past and its problems behind them, but they still are patriots who like their home country, and this is why they do certain things like getting the weapons out of the country.

Anyway, thanks for pointing this out for me! Since I can't add this to the bio anymore, I will maybe try to correct this by developing it in a memory log later on.

My character is on page six. I actually asked for a critique a few pages ago, but looks like it got lost in the posts, heh.

Personally, I like your application a lot. The name thing can seems like a small problem blown out of proportion, but it still make the character compelling and easy to empathize with, especially since you do a good job of showing the prejudice in an actual situation.

 

[Thenlar]

Hey guys, I wanted to get y'alls opinion on my application. This was actually my first attempt at doing any kind of writing like this, so I wanted to know what areas I could improve on in the future. It's at the bottom of the first page.

It's pretty well written, but he rather runs into Gary Stu territory. He's too perfect, no flaws (none mentioned at least).

Also, pet peeve of mine, you can't enlist but then get to the rank of captain normally. Enlisted ranks (private, sergeant, etc) are a different track than officer (lieutenant, captain, colonel). It's possible to jump tracks, but it's very rare for an enlisted to go "mustang" (as it's called). It's basically starting over in the new track still.

 

[UnevenRanger]

Hey guys, I wanted to get y'alls opinion on my application. This was actually my first attempt at doing any kind of writing like this, so I wanted to know what areas I could improve on in the future. It's at the bottom of the first page.

It's well presented, easy to read. For the most part I liked it but I have to agree with Thenlar, it displays the character as too 'perfect' I couldn't find a single bad remark about him, not that a character needs to be bad to be enjoyable but a flawed character is always more interesting then a messiah among men.

Also his seconding (I believe thats the correct term for a military personnel being sent to another department/organisation) to the CIA seems a bit out of place, a perfect soldier does not make a perfect spy, they are quite different jobs that both take considerable toll on the person, not romanticized like in movies. Although I may be just overthinking things.

Overall its a good first piece The character might need a little fleshing out so he is easier to understand and less... perfect haha, but I can see where you were going.

 

[Thenlar]

Well it's possible he resigned his commission before going to the CIA. It is easier to get hired by a federal agency as a veteran.

Alternately, the Special Activities Division in the CIA likes to borrow operators from the military for their covert operations.

 

[UnevenRanger]

I suppose that makes sense, I admittedly don't know much about the CIA, not being from America.

My thoughts were more along the lines of the working undercover part, a seasoned military grunt (no offence intended to JohnnyKnights character) is less James Bond/Alex Rider, more Duke Nukem/Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shoot first ask questions later. At least from my point of view.
It would make perfect sense if he had been recruited as a Commando, for raids on compounds or defending VIPs, but, and this may just be my admittedly skewed opinion, I have trouble seeing them going deep undercover.

I may be talking nonsense, never been either in the military or the intelligence services, just an opinion